Rev Ted Haggard pronounced "completely heterosexual."

Apparently the whole sex-with-a-man thing doesn't count against his hetero score.

He was just "acting out."

I can see this line of reasoning coming in very handy for a lot of folks. "I'm completely [sober] [monogamous] [tax-law-compliant] [etc]...I was just acting out!

The ministers presiding over Haggard's reeducation urged him to leave Colorado and leave the ministry.

Comments

[Connie Mack Jr]

I don't know Ed. I got a different media report about this amazing spiritual cure.

Gay Preacher Now "Completely Heterosexual"?



Haggard Now "Completely Heterosexual"

DENVER — One of four ministers who oversaw three weeks of intensive counseling for the Rev. Ted Haggard said the disgraced minister emerged convinced that he is "completely heterosexual."

Haggard also said his sexual contact with men was limited to the former male prostitute who came forward with sexual allegations, the Rev. Tim Ralph of Larkspur told The Denver Post for a story in Tuesday's edition.

"He is completely heterosexual," Ralph said. "That is something he discovered. It was the acting-out situations where things took place. It wasn't a constant thing. We knew he was cure when he rape 3 female goats in the sessions. Also, in the role playing part in one session, he jump on 6 ladies in the Church Choir."

Ralph said the board spoke with people close to Haggard while investigating his claim that his only extramarital sexual contact happened with Mike Jones. The board found no evidence to the contrary.

"If we're going to be proved wrong, somebody else is going to come forward, and that usually happens really quickly," he said. "We're into this thing over 90 days and it hasn't happened. Of course he could backside if somebody does not slip him some Gay pictures from " Boys Reviews"

Haggard resigned as president of the National Association of Evangelicals last year after allegations of sexual misconduct surfaced. He was also forced out from the 14,000 New Life Church that he founded years ago in his basement after Jones alleged Haggard paid him for sex and sometimes used methamphetamine when they were together. Haggard, who is married, has publicly admitted to "sexual immorality."

Haggard said in an e-mail Sunday, his first communication in three months to church members, that he and his wife, Gayle, plan to pursue master's degrees in psychology. The e-mail said the family hasn't decided where to move but that they were considering Missouri and Iowa and South Central LA and minster to the black community about Gay contacts in their Churches. The Rev Ike Watts of the "South Central Baptist Jesus Kicks The Devil Butte Church All Day Long", said " if the sucker shows up at my church, I will personally cut his nuts off in the name of Jesus."

Another oversight board member, the Rev. Mike Ware of Westminster, said the group recommended the move out of town and the Haggards agreed. It was reported that a Church lynch mob had appoach him last week about the move.

"This is a good place for Ted," Ware said. "It's hard to heal in Colorado Springs right now. It's like an open wound. He needs to get somewhere he can get his ass healed like most Gay preachers"

It was also the oversight board that strongly urged Haggard to go into secular work or hook up with former Congressman Mark Foley in the cell phone and paging communciation business.

[Ruth]

"acting out"? Is that like "coming out"? Maybe that's what they call it in Colorado.

Ruth in High Point

[Jim Rosenberg]

First one's free.

[Ed Cone]

Yeah? Then why don't we call you Rosenberg the Joketeller instead of, well, you know.

[Jim Rosenberg]

Do you kiss Ted Hoggard with that mouth?

[jimmmm]

Haggard invokes the Clinton/marijuana defense: "Sure, I sucked dick, but I didn't swallow."

[Ed Cone]

Dr Freud, line two, your slip is showing...

[Heavy Viennese accent]: Und so, Mr. Rosenberg, you ver thinking about kissing men and you wrote "Hoggard" for "Haggard"?

[Jim Rosenberg]

Ewwwww.

[Ed Cone]

Not that there's anything wrong with it.

[coturnix]

Touche!

[jw]

Jeez Jim! If you're going to go gay for a local blogger, at least go for the gold. http://percywalker.com/

[Percy Walker]

Heterosexuality Percentage Chart:

Ted Haggard: 100%
Percy Walker: 92%
Ed Cone: 87%
David Hoggard: 84%
Jim Rosenberg: 28%

[Jim Rosenberg]

Percy approached me about having something he called "Hedge Fun," but it sounded painful and not at all fun.

[Quaker in a Basement]

100 percent hetero?

Was the General on Ted's re-education commitee?

[brad krantz]

I saw Haggard during the Super Bowl in a commercial for Snickers. I saw him recoil with disgust after kissing a guy who was eating a Snickers bar from the other end. Haggard couldn't be gay or he would have insisted on an Almond Joy.

[The CA]

Well, Almond Joy does have nuts...

[jwberrie]

Loss of income from the religious hicks has a way of curing homosexuality.

[Connie Mack Jr]

New Hetero Math By Doctor Percy

Heterosexuality Percentage Chart:

Ted Haggard: 100%-100 encounters with himself

Percy Walker: 92%- 8 encounters at the water cooler during a business merger

Ed Cone: 87%-13 encounters while in college with his close frat brothers

David Hoggard: 84%-16 encounters in the Greensboro Police book in holding Cell

Jim Rosenberg: 28%-72 encounters with Brother Haggard before the church diversity morning service

by: Percy Walker

[Matt Hill Comer]

Heterosexuality Percentage Chart:

Ted Haggard: 100%
Percy Walker: 92%
Ed Cone: 87%
David Hoggard: 84%
Jim Rosenberg: 28%

Add: Matt Hill Comer 0%

hahahahaha

[Ed Cone]

The reason the Haggard thing is funny in the first place -- beyond the 'acting out' dodge -- is that definitive 100% hetero rating itself. If human sexuality exists on a continuum, than the chances of anyone being "100% heterosexual" are pretty damn slim, and of course the chances of a person hitting that benchmark after making headlines for having sex with another man are vanishingly small. What does 100% heterosexual even mean? Or, for that matter, 0%?

[Doug H]

Ed, your "continuum" comment is very pertinent. That a sexuality continuum exists is something that feels right to me. But I think, as unfortunate as it is, that a large contingency of Americans see it in the good/bad, black/white, left/right dichotomy that permeates our society.

I wonder how many people will believe Haggard has been miraculously transformed (a Festivus miracle!), and will continue to think persecuting homosexuals will convert them into something they're not.

[Matt Hill Comer]

Ed and Astro Boy... The comments are dead on. My 0% comment was definitely a joke.

I think that most psychologists and other professionals would agree... Sexuality, and even gender and other human characteristics, exist on a natural continuum. As Ed points out, the possibility of any person being 100% this or 100% that is rare, if it even occurs.

I think the greatest lesson, on sexuality anyway, would be for people to just let people live their lives the way that makes them happy. Why deny someone the opportunity to live in a happy, committed, stable and loving relationship just because of the gender of the partners?

As for Haggard... Who knows what's going on in his mind? Certainly not me. Whatever happens in his life, I hope he will see the truth about himself, whatever thta may be. Perhaps Haggard is straight and his same-sex encounters were a one-time thing. Perhaps Haggard is bisexual, but since he is more attracted to women, he can get by on claiming that he has changed (while hiding the attraction to same-sex people). Perhaps Haggard is just gay and he is in complete denial.

Who knows.

[David Boyd]

Even Tony Soprano said you get a pass when you're locked up.